Nightmares
by KatieH42
Summary: Alec doesn't know how to help Magnus after he was tortured by the Clave


**One shot story about Magnus and Alec which will, judging by the pictures from 2 X15, not fit very well into the cannon at all but was really fun to write and also helped me cope with my overwhelming feelings of love for Malec. Enjoy!**

"Just tell me what to do. Please."

Magnus's silence was suffocating to Alec. He couldn't think of anything he wouldn't do to make this better but Magnus's eyes were wide, and filled with something Alec couldn't describe. Desperation, confusion, pain and maybe even fear. He had never seen Magnus look vulnerable before, like he was young, like he could be afraid. The look said more than words. It said I'm sorry, I'm scared, I don't know how to make this right. It almost said help me please I don't know how to make this right. The silence stretched longer than every heartbeat Alec had ever listen to. And still Magnus didn't speak. Finally he said, not looking Alec in the eye "You can't."

"Do you want me to just go?" Alec asked his heart plummeting to his stomach as the words formed easily on his tongue. Magnus didn't answer and every second he was silent felt worse. Finally, Alec rose to his feet and strode unsteadily towards the door. His hand was almost on the door knob when Magnus spoke quietly "Alexander. "Alec turn back at least as fast as he turned in a demon fight, maybe faster.

"Yes? "

"You can't." Magnus paused. "You can't make this better. I don't need anything from you right now. From anyone. But I don't want to be alone. "

"Then I'll stay, "Alec said quickly. "I'll stay as long as you want. " Magnus smiled but it was a shadow of a smile. Like midnight compared to sunlight, just less brilliant. He didn't say anything, just stared straight ahead. Awkwardly Alec took a few steps closer but Magnus didn't move or look at him or even acknowledge that he was there. Alec couldn't blame him. Guilt is eating away at his gut and he would've sworn that nothing had ever hurt so much. After a minute he went back to the glass on the floor.

He had just about finished the glass when Magnus got up from the couch, walked past him without speaking, and open the cabinet. For a minute, Alec felt his spirits rise thinking that maybe Magnus had a magic spell for this too but instead he mixed himself a drink, a violently blue colour and headed back to the couch gripping the bottle of vodka in his hand. Alec couldn't remember ever seeing Magnus not offer him a drink and he felt even sicker to see it.

Alec spent the next couple of hours tidy up, putting things back, sweeping up broken glass and watching Magnus slowly working his way through the bottle of vodka out of the corner of his eye. He had never been good at not doing things. He wasn't as bad as Jace but not being useful tugged at the edges of him, his anxieties undoing him as he watched to man he loved hurt. By the time he finished the house was cleaner than he had ever seen it, the bottle was half empty and still Magnus didn't speak to him. Absently he selected a book off of Magnus's shelf. He didn't even look at the title, just sank down onto the floor his back against the wall and started to read.

Once upon a time he thought that fighting was the hardest thing any person could ever do but now he understood that loving was. He felt so, but he didn't know – angry at himself for not noticing, angry at Valentine for hurting Magnus and angry at the Clave for what they did. But it was more than that too. He felt guilt, sadness, pain, desperation, fear, all rolled into one. Everything he felt after Jocelyn died 100 times worse. He wanted to run, he wanted to fight, he wanted to throw himself into his work so hard it would leave him unable to feel any pain at all. He wanted to throw himself on Magnus and beg for forgiveness. Instead he had to wait, accept uselessness until Magnus was ready. He couldn't imagine the worst torture.

The thought made him feel sick with guilt. Magnus could imagine torture worse than that. Magnus might never forget it.

The book was a history, something dry about warlocks, mundanes and the Salem witch trials. He forced himself to look at every letter, every word, to think about them, to make them make sense because nothing else seemed too. He was too nervous to feel tired even though he knew it must be almost 4 o'clock in the morning. The sudden sound of the vodka bottle hitting the floor and rolling away, leaving a thin trickle of clear liquid on the floor startled him so much he almost jumped out of his skin.

"Alexander," Magnus sounded like he was almost groaning. With speed that would've surprised most Shadowhunters Alec was on his feet and kneeling in front of Magnus, his lover. The word felt strange in his head but also right.

"Yeah Magnus I'm here," he said his hands flying to Magnus's face and gently pressing against his cheek, jaw and neck.

Magnus's eyes we're not particularly focused and then it occurred to Alec that, although he'd seen Magnus drink many, many times he'd never really seen Magnus drunk. He had been starting to doubt that Magnus could get drunk at all. They've had a few dates together where it was all Alec could do to keep himself from falling on his face and grinning like an idiot while Magnus had looked more sober than Alec's grandmother. Magnus was always cool, in control and Alec was not sure he wanted out of control Magnus.

"I'm scared," he whispered, looking up at Alec with those striking eyes Alec loved so much.

"Of what? "Alec asked

"Sleeping. "Magnus paused. "Nightmares. I know the nightmares. "Alec leaned closer to him until they were close enough together that Magnus's head flopped down against him slowly, his face pressed up against Alec's neck. He could feel Magnus's eyelashes against his Runes. He thought they should tickle him. They didn't. "It's okay," he soothed, feeling his heartbeat speed up and his mind tearing away from him, fear driving now, coiling up in his every muscle. He didn't really know how to do this, how to take care of someone. Jace, well Jace had never been so drunk he'd let someone else take care of him. Izzy, she was a little different, she was his little sister. He didn't have to know how to take care of her, it just happened, like shooting an arrow straight. Magnus though, how would he care for Magnus?

"Magnus," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. I'll stay with you, I won't let anything hurt you. I promise."

He felt Magnus relax against him, but after a minute or two, his breathing changed and Alec realized that he'd fallen asleep sitting up, leaning against him. "It's okay," he whispered again. "Magnus?" he said softly, shifting a little. Magnus opened his eyes a sliver, almost like he was glaring, like a cat woken from a nap by a person it considered rude. "I'm going to take you to bed now, okay?" he said, catching Magnus's face gently in his hands and tilting it up so he was sure Magnus could see him properly. Magnus nodded, with a grim look on his face, like he dreaded what was coming next, but knew there was no way around it either. "I'm going to carry you." He was too afraid that Magnus would stumble, fall, collapse, not move with the delicate, graceful beauty he usually moved with. Never mind the risk of injury to Magnus, Alec wasn't sure that he could handle watching him not be himself.

It wasn't hard, to lift Magnus. He wasn't a small man, but next to Alec he was almost childlike. Magnus didn't try to resist, he let his head flop against Alec's shoulders, sunk into his arms and curled up a little, making it easy. Alec thought about a few scenarios where he was carrying Magnus to bed but it had never been like this.

"There," he said, as he lowered Magnus down onto his silk sheets, holding his head until the moment it was resting in the dark red pillow safely.

"Are you leaving me?" Magnus whispered.

"Never," he said. Magnus closed his eyes.

Alec kept his hand on Magnus's shoulder for as long as he could while trying to get over to his side of the bed. And when he couldn't quite reach any more, he ran his hand down Magnus's leg and then he crawled up along Magnus's back so he was as close as possible. He settled his head down on the same pillow, so close his breath moved the fine little hairs on the back of his neck.

He closed his eyes and let his arm find a comfortable place around Magnus's hips. Finally the time caught up with him and exhaustion and worry clawed him into sleep.

He woke up when Magnus twisted out of his arms, moaning and crying, shouting in a language that Alec didn't recognize, and suddenly fighting and flaying. His Shadowhunter reflexes were the only thing keeping him from getting a black eye. Well, luck helped to maybe. "Magnus," Alec gasped, catching one of his arms as it flopped by and fighting his way through flying limbs to get closer to him. "Magnus, it's alright, you're safe. Wake up Magnus!"

As if he heard Alec, Magnus sat up. His eyes were wild, sweat was running down his face in little rivers and his shouts were turning to gasps and gags. Alec shot forward, wrapping his arms around Magnus's shoulder and pressed him back, against Alec's body, which curled protectively around Magnus, almost on it's own. "I feel sick." One hand was pressed against his stomach, the other over his mouth. He was shaking.

Alec scrambled back away from him, looking around desperately and snatched something that looked like an very old, possibly ancient, very heavy stone basin and passed it over to Maguns. Magnus's fingers coiled around it desperately as he bent over, still fighting for breath as he shook and shuttered. Alec sat back, helplessly, reaching over and gently rubbing Magnus's back, his own stomach twisting sympathetically.

Quite suddenly Magnus collapsed away from the basin, still empty, which slid down onto the bed sheets. "It's okay," Alec said into the top of Magnus's head, his arms curling around Magnus's shoulders, pulling him closer and closer, locking him tightly, against to his chest.

"I'm so tired Alec," Magnus whispered. "But I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the nightmares."

"Hey," Alec said, tilting Magus's face up gently, kissing his forehead and cheeks, using his thumbs to wipe away his lover's tears. "Magnus, I'm here, you're okay, you're safe. I promise. I'm right here."

"I'm so tired," he whispered.

When Alec was nine, Izzy had convinced him to sneak out of the Institute one night when they're parents were away. He had been reluctant to go, but Izzy had made it clear that she was going one way or the other, so he'd followed. They'd had good time at first, running around, teasing each other and playing tag, but then they heard someone coming. They'd tried to run back before anyone could see them when they'd stumbled upon a body.

Their father had been hunting a demon. It had killed a mundane and was dragging half the body around with it. It hadn't even been smart enough to drop the body after Robert had caught it, and they'd smashed their way through New York, still with the pieces in its stupid mouth.

Alec had never seen a body before, let alone anything like that one. The man had been ripped in half, his guts hanging out of the shell of a torso, dirty where soil and leaves were clinging to the organs, still sticky but barely bleeding. The eyes were open, fixed in a permanent and terrifyingly blank stare and the mouth was twisted into a terrifying grimace. Rigor mortis had frozen it like that, a stone statue, made of flesh. The moment he'd seen it he'd knocked Izzy down so she wouldn't see it.

Their father had seen them of course, and he was furious with them but as he yelled at him, all Alec could do was look at the body behind him.

For a few weeks after that Alec had woken up in the night, so scared he'd stopped sleeping during the night. It didn't work very well for him - he was always in trouble, falling asleep during his lessons and sloppy during training, but he was so tired he couldn't help it. One night his father had found him, sitting up, holding a flashlight at his eyes to keep them open and in tears he admitted to his father that he'd been having nightmares.

"Listen to your heartbeat," his father advised, sitting down beside him, surprisingly gently. "As long as you can hear your heartbeat, you're alive and as long as you're alive, you can fight. Now go to bed."

He had. The first half a dozen times he'd started to doze, he'd jerked himself awake just to listen to his heartbeat again, but eventually he'd fallen asleep. Ever since then, if he had a nightmare he always counted his heartbeats until sleep rolled over him.

"Magnus," he said softly, shifting back and flopping awkwardly down onto a very disordered pile of pillows. He cradled Magnus's head gently, lowering him down to his chest, to the spot over his heart. Magnus let him. "Listen to my heart," he said, touching Magnus's hair and the back of his neck. "You won't fall asleep," he assured Magnus. "You won't, as long as you listen to my heartbeat."

"Alec," Magnus murmured sleepily. "Thank you. I don't deserve you."

"Shhh," Alec said softly. "Listen to my heartbeat."

Alec knew he wasn't going back to sleep with his neck and head twisted on a weird angle, but he wasn't going to move either and risk waking Magnus so he held perfectly still, no matter how uncomfortable that was for him. Outside the world had probably turned to day, and there were things to be done. Izzy probably needed someone to watch out for her. Clary probably needed to be rescued. Jace probably needed to be rescued from his latest rescue attempt for Clary. But he wasn't going to take care of them, not today. Today his place was here. Today Magnus needed him.

A few times he felt Magnus's breath on his chest slow down as he gently drifted towards sleep only to twitch himself awake again but he didn't move, he hardly dared to breath for fear of waking him. But at last Magnus's breath stayed quietly and steady and Alec knew he was asleep. "It's beating for you," he whispered.

Magnus's mouth twitched up in just the smallest ghost of a smile.


End file.
